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♣ Monday, January 10, 2011

Taking alittle break from the essay writing. Need to regenerate brain juice.
I realise I miss being a student, camping in places like starbucks like i am nows, working away on a project or assignment. So professional. hahas. yea my current job doesnt really offer me much job satisfaction. I'm sooo not a desk bound job kinda girl. Hahas oh wells at least the people are fun.

You know, I realise that God is pretty fair. Whatever shitty luck i seem to have with love and guys and alls, somehow I managed to luck out in the friends area. Seriously, these people are amazing. Sometimes like today even im taken aback at how some of my friends will bend the back and go all out of their way to help me. Like super touched. Sometimes I look at myself and I highly suspect if I would even make friends with myself, but yea these people seem to love me alot. More than i deserve i think. :) I vouch to become a better friend. I promise.

On a total seperate note, do you guys ever wonder where u stand in another person's heart? Ive met many kinds of guys, but i still think im a shitty judge of character. Yea the really awful sleazy guys are real easy to spot, the wine and dine you and obviously just want to get into your pants...but what about those that are wayy more subtle with the similar intention too. When do you know that they are just being guys and you actually mean something to them or that you're just another conquest and he's with you cuz he loves the challenge..for now.

I think too much. I wish I could put all my thoughts into a jar.
♥being MYSELF at 9:33 PM

♣ Sunday, January 9, 2011

I havent blogged here for really long. Me thinks i should start a new blog..this one is way too old, but ahs we'll wait till im wayy free and in the mood to tackle the nonsense IT stuffs yea.

Doubt anyone remembers this blog. I almost forgot it myself but I feel that if i dont tell someone, get the load off my chest now, i might just explode and die or something. I'll probably go insane.

Hmmm im suppose to be writing my UK uni admissions essay...maybe this will help the brain juice to start flowing. I'm seriously starved of creativity and brain cells here. Stab me!

Anyways back to the point. It's soon gonna be a month since I last found out on my 21st birthday that Jerold had been cheating on me the whole month before with Dan's friend Amelia Leong Xue Wei. Yea facebook makes it convinient to find out a person's full name. Not that it was hard seeing that she's tagged in the same album of photos as i am.

I think i hate her. I want to hate her so much. I dont think ive ever felt this strongly against someone before. I'm pissed yes bout the cheating but even more so so the stuff she said. I've got photos of her convos with jerold. (fcking love to torture myself)

Her exact words were: I dont care if its selfish, I dont care if its two-timing. As for your gf, im sorry i just dont care enough to consider her feelingsabove mine. i like u.

OMG and i actually offered this girl champaign from my moet bottle!! can u fcking believe how stupid i am. Yea i feel like the dumbest shit ever. Is this karma for being awful crappy to all the nice guys that have dated or tried to date me. I feel so bad nows.

It's been a month and sometimes like today i still find myself controlling the tears that threaten to fall. Does anyone care. Everyone takes me for granted just cause im always happy go lucky and smiling. Honestly though, i feel like shit. It feels like someone came in and tore my heart to pieces. It feels like it can never be mended again. I've started so smile again recently, but who am i kidding, obviously its just a front. Tonia is doing what tonia does best..keeping the serious shits that she cant handle to herself, thinking, hoping that if she doesnt think about it, if she acts like she's fine, maybe just maybe she wont feel a thing, she'll forget. I hate myself for being like this. Always running away from problems if i cant solve them.
First it was my parents, now its you. Why, why iszit always the people that i decide to let in that always hurt me and disappoint me. When will i learn to stop hoping for things that im never gonna get. I wish i never cared.

Just got myself to blame i guess, Why did i think you were different. I've always kept everyone at an arms length distance, never trusted anyone with my heart but i chose to believe you. Chose to believe that to love and give in a relationship is better than to take and be loved.

All i ever wanted is someone to love me. Someone that truly cares for me genuinely. Someone that wants nothing from me in return. I dont need a rich guy or to eat at fanciful places...all i want is to feel wanted. To feel like i mean something to someone. I havent been nasty to anyone but why why are people so nasty. what did i do to deserve it. I treat your family better than i do to mine. You dont even fcking give a damm bout my family, you dont even bother to know them. I have suited you, trusted you but you had to you had to cheat on me. I had to find out on my 21st birthday. Why am i still hanging around you, why i ask myself everyday.

Obviously im still attractive rights? guys are still flirting with me. I know there are guys that will treat me better out there, guys that will stay faithful, guys that will fall over themselves to wine and dine me. Why cant i go back to that lifestyle. Like the girls told me, how did i from a serena in gossip girl become a audrina in the hills. FCK FCK FCK!

I wish i was never greedy. Why for fuck i wanted to chase love. Love cant feed you, love is not a gurantee, love is not for forever, love is fickle. I was fine with the nice dinners, superficial flattery, sweet cars, presents and sweettalking...why why did i think that im suited for love. obviously im not worthy
♥being MYSELF at 6:33 PM

♣ Thursday, October 1, 2009

zomg i feel as fake as a C grade imitation LV bag or a pair of cheapo $1 falsie lashes.
how is it that to everyone i am this optimistic bubbly chatty girl but when the moons high in the sky and im all alone in the dark i feel miserable.
i feel lost and really useless. all i keep doing is cry into the pillows and throw tantrums at myself. hardly constructive, makes me feel better, not.

two clashing personalities, one body, one me.
one as bright as the sun shinning at noon
the other as dark as the deepest depths of the oceanic floors

im ashamed. the crow crows
again i keep my secret persona locked
the one people never fancy much
and proceed to don on the mask once more
the me everyone knows me by

counting the hours down to daybreak
i think its gonna rain soon. how fitting.
=/ tonia
♥being MYSELF at 2:15 AM

♣ Sunday, September 20, 2009

its been ages since i last updated...have been busy busy, very busy.

internship has started. I guess outfitter girls at plaza singapura isznt all that bad. I could have been worse i guess. Yeaps im thankful and counting my blessings. Afterall it wouldn't help to be pessimistic seeing that i'm gonna be there for the net 3 months. Have had many surprise visits from various people too. Cant really talk while im at work cuz my in charge is like kinda wtf but its juz nice to see a familiar face. Like totally cheers me up lols. =) so u guys know what to do when u are at PS the next time.
------------------------------------------------

im sad. im fcking miserable and i don't know how to make it all go away. Im guessing that that's contributing to the frustration and misery; the fact that cant find the bright side, that i cant seem to find the solution to the problem, to make everything alright again.

i can't seem to put my thoughts into words no matter how hard i try. It's like all so jumbled up in there. Im like a confused kid and i hate that. I can't think, i can't smile, i can't laugh. I can't even seem to muster up a convo. with you. tonia ng keeping quiet for once...uhuhs.

i wish u understood where im coming from, how im feeling without me having to tell you. but i know u've got your own take on things and as usual we dont agree. I don't know what else to do except just to shove the issue under the carpet again and fake ignorance. I wish i never knew all that i've come to learn. I wish i never knew this side of you. But now that i know, I can't forget bout it. It's like this constant nagging thought in my head. Even if i could forget bout it all, then what....can i really put up with such. You are who you are and i never want to change or impose my views or actions on u cuz that just sucks. I would know cause ive been there. But but.....am i really alright with such behaviour? can i really put up with it and not be the least bothered? i ask myself..and i think that even if i have compromise at other times..this i can't do.

Im just so confused especially so when this issue has to come up when the other has barely even been solved or disappeared. It sucks double and hurts double much too. I...i just don't know what to do and i think its time maybe to just take a break, clear my head and decide what is really best for myself, what i want and don't want. What's worth to cling onto and what isznt.

times like this i wish i was a dumb ignorant bimbo. life just seems so 0much easier when you're clueless about everything and totally self obsessed.

hurt
tonia
♥being MYSELF at 1:35 AM

♣ Wednesday, August 19, 2009

super sianess. the exams are coming again soon, fridae to be exact. RI has gotta be the most boring subject ever, next to CSA in year 1 that is. Com's seems to be breaking down soon too and i have no idea whys. Sucks that i cant upload the thousands of pictures that i have too. Oh wells. if u guys know of anyone who chld rescue my com, ring me yea. =)

lovetonia
♥being MYSELF at 12:54 PM

♣ Monday, August 10, 2009

zomg zomg. my toes are laughing. im just so ammused with a certain human and how full of herself she is. Like seriously who goes around producing crap work or NO work but acts all victimised now and paints a picture portraying herself as the most hardworking member of the group. like seriously, girl you sure didnt sound so pitiful or the least hardworking when you told us that you didn't get your work done because you've got your own social life to consider. And that was the week IMR was due somemore, what do you have to say for yourself, seriously i'll like to hear if you'll please grace my ears with your BS, not.
Ohs, and i wasn't slamming you. Technically slamming means to critise harshly, and i haven't even begun. I've held back my tongue cause its really just not me to lash out. I was just blogging my thoughts clearing my head previously, but this post is for you. Yeaps just you, feel honored? You should be and lavish in this little space that ive spent typing bout you cause after tuesday, kaboom- you're getting out of my life. period.

it fustrates me cause you have no right whatsoever to victimised yourself when its US here that had to sacrifice our sleep even just to make sure that the project was done. You haven't even apologised for screwing the ENTIRE group's RI grade and you should. Honestly im just waiting for your apology because FYI none of this would have happen if you were slightly more competent and not so full of yourself. Like reflect please...if a group dislikes you, maybe its their fault, but if its every past group you have worked with, haven't it cross you mind that maebe the problem lies with you? So stop pushing the bucket around or taking personal attacks at me. Just apologise and i'll forget bout it all.

Enough said. I'm going back to the projects which are due tmr.
♥being MYSELF at 1:10 PM

♣ Wednesday, August 5, 2009

FUCK even my computer hates me.
I just typed this whole shit bout how annoying jasmine mar and rayson is. How they are full of bull shiat and should shoot themselves in the head. How why i shld be blamed or even bear responsibility of their lousy sucky work attitude and lack of responsibility or usefulness as project mates for example.
The fcking annoy the shiat out of me even after the submissions have almost all been done. This is rubbish mans. Im too lazy and pissed to retype the whole shiat lars.
Gonna just sleep and they better get out of my head. Brain juice can be better spent on the losers ive got for project group mates mans.
Ohs and if either one of them happens to chance upon this, HI! Even if I get like a D for all the projects, I don't fcking think you even deserve to share that grade. Like seriously, that's how i feel FYI. I hate how you guys make me seem like the bitch and stuff, and you can talk bout me behind my back all you want, but seriously at the end of the day my work speaks for itself and you guys sad to say have nothing to back you up. I've never been a difficult person to work with, you guys were the ones who had to make project miserable for everyone. I don't see why i shld put in my best and let you leach and rip the benefits of it a single bit.
I need to get out mans and find better humans to surround myself with. Damm the lecturers who say they will do something against losers like these but do nothing in the end. Like whatever happened to being fair and wise or whatever. Seriously the next biggest piss factor whld have to be people who are all talk but no action. Those are just as bad in my point of view.
Just something to voice the frustrations in my brain. Please dammit don't let me dream of this BS laters gaian. It's like a nightmare that refuses to go away.
♥being MYSELF at 1:19 AM