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♣ Monday, January 10, 2011

Taking alittle break from the essay writing. Need to regenerate brain juice.
I realise I miss being a student, camping in places like starbucks like i am nows, working away on a project or assignment. So professional. hahas. yea my current job doesnt really offer me much job satisfaction. I'm sooo not a desk bound job kinda girl. Hahas oh wells at least the people are fun.

You know, I realise that God is pretty fair. Whatever shitty luck i seem to have with love and guys and alls, somehow I managed to luck out in the friends area. Seriously, these people are amazing. Sometimes like today even im taken aback at how some of my friends will bend the back and go all out of their way to help me. Like super touched. Sometimes I look at myself and I highly suspect if I would even make friends with myself, but yea these people seem to love me alot. More than i deserve i think. :) I vouch to become a better friend. I promise.

On a total seperate note, do you guys ever wonder where u stand in another person's heart? Ive met many kinds of guys, but i still think im a shitty judge of character. Yea the really awful sleazy guys are real easy to spot, the wine and dine you and obviously just want to get into your pants...but what about those that are wayy more subtle with the similar intention too. When do you know that they are just being guys and you actually mean something to them or that you're just another conquest and he's with you cuz he loves the challenge..for now.

I think too much. I wish I could put all my thoughts into a jar.
♥being MYSELF at 9:33 PM

♣ Sunday, January 9, 2011

I havent blogged here for really long. Me thinks i should start a new blog..this one is way too old, but ahs we'll wait till im wayy free and in the mood to tackle the nonsense IT stuffs yea.

Doubt anyone remembers this blog. I almost forgot it myself but I feel that if i dont tell someone, get the load off my chest now, i might just explode and die or something. I'll probably go insane.

Hmmm im suppose to be writing my UK uni admissions essay...maybe this will help the brain juice to start flowing. I'm seriously starved of creativity and brain cells here. Stab me!

Anyways back to the point. It's soon gonna be a month since I last found out on my 21st birthday that Jerold had been cheating on me the whole month before with Dan's friend Amelia Leong Xue Wei. Yea facebook makes it convinient to find out a person's full name. Not that it was hard seeing that she's tagged in the same album of photos as i am.

I think i hate her. I want to hate her so much. I dont think ive ever felt this strongly against someone before. I'm pissed yes bout the cheating but even more so so the stuff she said. I've got photos of her convos with jerold. (fcking love to torture myself)

Her exact words were: I dont care if its selfish, I dont care if its two-timing. As for your gf, im sorry i just dont care enough to consider her feelingsabove mine. i like u.

OMG and i actually offered this girl champaign from my moet bottle!! can u fcking believe how stupid i am. Yea i feel like the dumbest shit ever. Is this karma for being awful crappy to all the nice guys that have dated or tried to date me. I feel so bad nows.

It's been a month and sometimes like today i still find myself controlling the tears that threaten to fall. Does anyone care. Everyone takes me for granted just cause im always happy go lucky and smiling. Honestly though, i feel like shit. It feels like someone came in and tore my heart to pieces. It feels like it can never be mended again. I've started so smile again recently, but who am i kidding, obviously its just a front. Tonia is doing what tonia does best..keeping the serious shits that she cant handle to herself, thinking, hoping that if she doesnt think about it, if she acts like she's fine, maybe just maybe she wont feel a thing, she'll forget. I hate myself for being like this. Always running away from problems if i cant solve them.
First it was my parents, now its you. Why, why iszit always the people that i decide to let in that always hurt me and disappoint me. When will i learn to stop hoping for things that im never gonna get. I wish i never cared.

Just got myself to blame i guess, Why did i think you were different. I've always kept everyone at an arms length distance, never trusted anyone with my heart but i chose to believe you. Chose to believe that to love and give in a relationship is better than to take and be loved.

All i ever wanted is someone to love me. Someone that truly cares for me genuinely. Someone that wants nothing from me in return. I dont need a rich guy or to eat at fanciful places...all i want is to feel wanted. To feel like i mean something to someone. I havent been nasty to anyone but why why are people so nasty. what did i do to deserve it. I treat your family better than i do to mine. You dont even fcking give a damm bout my family, you dont even bother to know them. I have suited you, trusted you but you had to you had to cheat on me. I had to find out on my 21st birthday. Why am i still hanging around you, why i ask myself everyday.

Obviously im still attractive rights? guys are still flirting with me. I know there are guys that will treat me better out there, guys that will stay faithful, guys that will fall over themselves to wine and dine me. Why cant i go back to that lifestyle. Like the girls told me, how did i from a serena in gossip girl become a audrina in the hills. FCK FCK FCK!

I wish i was never greedy. Why for fuck i wanted to chase love. Love cant feed you, love is not a gurantee, love is not for forever, love is fickle. I was fine with the nice dinners, superficial flattery, sweet cars, presents and sweettalking...why why did i think that im suited for love. obviously im not worthy
♥being MYSELF at 6:33 PM