♣ Wednesday, January 28, 2009
What's up with me? Since when did i get so insecure, so unsure of myself and my worth. Gosh doubting myself sure is tiring and totally screwed up but..I wish I still believe in myself. Instead, ive become one of those insecure self doubting girls that i always frown upon.
I once did a quiz that pointed acceptance to be my greatest need. Praises, attention and acknowledgement drives and elates me while disapproval or unconcern simply destroys me. Scary how these quizzes can get so accurate at times ayes. Maybe it's because i chose to bottle everything up previously that has gotten me into this state. I chose to shove everything i couldn't deal with aside and now it has gotten the better of me. Especially so with one special case. I've always known that you cared that I meant alot, but maybe I need more than that. It gets hard to remember this fact when there's no evidence, no words, no actions. I guess now just knowing is not enough, I need you to tell me, will you show me? Not knowing how to hardly cuts as an excuse anymore. Everyday, it gets harder to look around me and be content or brush it off unaffected. I'm a girl, im envious and I wish you bothered like others. Its superficial I know but you're not the one having to face THAT look on their faces, their mockery, their pity, fumble for an awesome answer or put up a front. I tell myself it's stupid and shallow to let such talk get to me, but it does it does it does!
On another note, CNY has been awesome so far. Great luck with the money multiplying scheme. More visiting soon. Still haven't decided if im gonna quit the team anots. Haiz.
gonna sleep and forget again, im being silly
xxton
♥being MYSELF at 12:08 AM
